Are you a wart hog or a wart hoarder? Big dif 

Meanwhile, whatever happened to good old-fashioned ass-grabbing?
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“High Energy, Low Caliber: The Donald Trump Story” and “Dumber Than W” are two possible titles I’ve got for a book I’m working on about our current president.

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I’m uncomfortable when I feel envy coming from another person, unless they are an asshole.

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I’ve never been June Cleaver but I’ve often felt like I had a Warden.


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In an effort to be more G-rated, I’m going to start telling people to go poke themselves.

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In addition to hearing a bedtime story in the Oval Office, a cup of warm Ovaltine would immensely benefit the Dealer of the Free World.

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However, Kathy Griffin’s stunt insulting the president was abhorrent. Even Squatty Potty dumped her as a rep for their merchandise. And here you thought they wouldn’t give a shit.

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IBS = Irritable Bowel Syndrome = I’ve Been Shitting

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Wickerleaks: because incontinence on rattan furniture is more common than you think.

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With Greg Allman gone, women have come forward to admit they played his organ. What, Hammond it up too soon?


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It seems encouraging when you witness political opposites reaching across the aisle, until you realize it’s a mutual handjob being done to continue the subterfuge. That’s right, not even trying for a joke on this one.

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Gray is actually considered a calming color, unless it is seen in pubic hair.

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Some beyotch told me she hated clichés so I told her to live and let live.

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They say it’s important to never judge another person until you get the whole story. This is why it’s important for you to get the whole story.

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Mother’s Day is the day you find out on social media whose moms are still alive.

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I had a great Mother’s Day…on social media. 😓 #canthaveitall


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