Strike a pious pose

Low libido runs in my family. I’m not quite sure how I even HAVE a family.

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Never once as a child did I ever say I wanted to grow up and own a mansion, because I already knew the amount of chores that had to be avoided in an average-to-small sized home.

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The new “imagine everyone in their underwear” is now “imagine how big their hemorrhoids are,” because nowadays many people look excellent in underwear.

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It’s fun to watch snobby, single, attractive 30-something people look confused at a party with a bunch of average-looking middle-aged married couples who are inexplicably flirting with one another.

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I wish I knew a government bigwig. I would steer tax dollars to comedy. Officially.

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I have begun to hate NPR since half the stories aired now seem to be about either urban vertical farming or charismatic basketball players. #NPukeR

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Seems strange to say but some people have dexterous eyes.


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That awkward moment in the memory care facility when you’re badmouthing your friend and realize you’re talking to them.

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I wouldn’t mind a long distance relationship as long as the parking was free.

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My friend told me I needed sex and I said I was saving myself for divorce.

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I wonder if the dog is considered man’s best friend because he is occasionally willing to eat feces.

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K-Mart may have Blue Light Specials, but Stein Mart has Eternal Light Specials.


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Students are now starting to show up at colleges with serving trays and other items made from corks. #LeadRetailerNameIsMyMomsAWino

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The next time someone at a party says, “You should be an actress,” a good reply is: “I already am. I’ve been lying to you for the last half hour.”

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Took a BuzzFeed quiz to find out what type of introvert I was. Would it be Artist… Healer… Champion? Painstakingly answered 25 questions, waited for my results, and all I got was a video ad titled “Naughty Girls.” #QuestionAnswered

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Please don’t post articles on social media about feminism if your daughter recently declared she was a “they.”

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There are probably men who don’t mind being around longwinded women, but I don’t know any of them.

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If only I’d known in third grade there was no need to start dumbing down my language, as long as I continued to cuss.

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The best writers will read what they have written first in their own voice, next in what they perceive the reader’s voice to be, and then finally in their mother’s voice.

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