Life on the side

Always spent my life waiting to live. Watching others live. Thinking: that’s not for me! Too risky.

Some people never feel fully grown up until both of their parents are gone. They did not want to grow up that way, but it’s unavoidable. Life is the great waiting room outside of death.

You can think this way until your midlife and then suddenly have a change of heart. You wonder who you even are. And you decide to try life on for size. Take it off the side burner.

You smile vigorously for the camera. You start doing the thing most people supposedly fear worse than death: public speaking. You decide to travel to the comedy epicenter of the world and take a class. You become a stand-up. You experience both great power and vulnerability.

You learn the only way to feel fully alive is to allow yourself to simultaneously feel happiness with the fear and sadness of the constant loss of life.

Photo credits:

Dick Williams (top)

Rodney Norman (bottom)

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Mom’s oral tradition

My mother said when I was young,

“There’s power in the female tongue.

It’s essential,” she said, “to hold back,

otherwise folks feel under attack.

But use your piehole when you must.

If it doesn’t work, employ your bust.”

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Monopolies further entrench themselves in society and my subconscious

After reading that Amazon acquired Whole Foods, I had a dream that I was involved in a promotion that was shot in our local store. Jeff Bezos was part of it, and I played a ditzy housewife that kept bumping my cart into him. I did it a few extra times “accidentally” out of a form of passive aggression, and Jeff did not look upon this with much favor.

After everyone left, I walked out to my car, saw Jeff leaning on it, looked around, and found myself alone with him. He confronted me: “I know you rammed that shopping cart into my Achilles’ heel a few extra times just to be mean.”

Feeling nervous and buying time for myself, I crossed my arms and rubbed my shoulders, pressing down hard on the right one with my left index finger.

I replied, “Mr. Bezos, I have a state of the art recording device embedded in my right rear deltoid. I just activated it by pressing my shoulder. I can even play back what you just said right now…but, it will come out my right armpit. And, as soon as I do this [grabbing butt cheek with my left hand], the file gets uploaded to the Cloud. So, go ahead and hurt me if you like, but the evidence is already out there.”

[Smiling and touching my right shoulder] “By the way, I found this device on Amazon Prime.”

I got in my car and drove away.

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My heart will swim on

A clear path for the heart warrants the breast stroke.

When unsure, it treads water, or floats.

A rare few inspire the butterfly.

It’s not fond of that “sinking feeling,” and sometimes, must simply crawl to get by.

It wisely does the back stroke out of dangerous situations.

The heart is a strong swimmer, and it will not be drowned by any force of nature.

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Are you a wart hog or a wart hoarder? Big dif 

Meanwhile, whatever happened to good old-fashioned ass-grabbing?
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“High Energy, Low Caliber: The Donald Trump Story” and “Dumber Than W” are two possible titles I’ve got for a book I’m working on about our current president.

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I’m uncomfortable when I feel envy coming from another person, unless they are an asshole.

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I’ve never been June Cleaver but I’ve often felt like I had a Warden.


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In an effort to be more G-rated, I’m going to start telling people to go poke themselves.

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In addition to hearing a bedtime story in the Oval Office, a cup of warm Ovaltine would immensely benefit the Dealer of the Free World.

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However, Kathy Griffin’s stunt insulting the president was abhorrent. Even Squatty Potty dumped her as a rep for their merchandise. And here you thought they wouldn’t give a shit.

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IBS = Irritable Bowel Syndrome = I’ve Been Shitting

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Wickerleaks: because incontinence on rattan furniture is more common than you think.

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With Greg Allman gone, women have come forward to admit they played his organ. What, Hammond it up too soon?


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It seems encouraging when you witness political opposites reaching across the aisle, until you realize it’s a mutual handjob being done to continue the subterfuge. That’s right, not even trying for a joke on this one.

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Gray is actually considered a calming color, unless it is seen in pubic hair.

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Some beyotch told me she hated clichés so I told her to live and let live.

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They say it’s important to never judge another person until you get the whole story. This is why it’s important for you to get the whole story.

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Mother’s Day is the day you find out on social media whose moms are still alive.

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I had a great Mother’s Day…on social media. 😓 #canthaveitall


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Strike a pious pose

Low libido runs in my family. I’m not quite sure how I even HAVE a family.

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Never once as a child did I ever say I wanted to grow up and own a mansion, because I already knew the amount of chores that had to be avoided in an average-to-small sized home.

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The new “imagine everyone in their underwear” is now “imagine how big their hemorrhoids are,” because nowadays many people look excellent in underwear.

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It’s fun to watch snobby, single, attractive 30-something people look confused at a party with a bunch of average-looking middle-aged married couples who are inexplicably flirting with one another.

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I wish I knew a government bigwig. I would steer tax dollars to comedy. Officially.

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I have begun to hate NPR since half the stories aired now seem to be about either urban vertical farming or charismatic basketball players. #NPukeR

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Seems strange to say but some people have dexterous eyes.


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That awkward moment in the memory care facility when you’re badmouthing your friend and realize you’re talking to them.

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I wouldn’t mind a long distance relationship as long as the parking was free.

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My friend told me I needed sex and I said I was saving myself for divorce.

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I wonder if the dog is considered man’s best friend because he is occasionally willing to eat feces.

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K-Mart may have Blue Light Specials, but Stein Mart has Eternal Light Specials.


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Students are now starting to show up at colleges with serving trays and other items made from corks. #LeadRetailerNameIsMyMomsAWino

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The next time someone at a party says, “You should be an actress,” a good reply is: “I already am. I’ve been lying to you for the last half hour.”

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Took a BuzzFeed quiz to find out what type of introvert I was. Would it be Artist… Healer… Champion? Painstakingly answered 25 questions, waited for my results, and all I got was a video ad titled “Naughty Girls.” #QuestionAnswered

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Please don’t post articles on social media about feminism if your daughter recently declared she was a “they.”

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There are probably men who don’t mind being around longwinded women, but I don’t know any of them.

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If only I’d known in third grade there was no need to start dumbing down my language, as long as I continued to cuss.

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The best writers will read what they have written first in their own voice, next in what they perceive the reader’s voice to be, and then finally in their mother’s voice.

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Watch my 83-year-old mother play Ave Maria

If you grow weary of increasing divisiveness and impending doom, take a moment to watch my mom on the piano. My son videoed this and uploaded it to YouTube about a month before her stroke – a little over a year before her death.

I’m so lucky to have been born to her and miss her every moment of every day. I know she’s watching and doing all she can from her realm to help us mere mortals on this beautiful planet hurtling through space, about to annihilate ourselves. Enjoy.

Click here to watch my mother play Ave Maria beautifully on her Hamlin and Mason piano

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